Dairy of Grace – Entry 1

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I have decided to take my testimony to a new level. I feel God is calling me to share my story of Grace. I had a life full of bad decisions that I can now look back on and see God’s hand on everything. I am working on breaking down my story into diary entries for you to follow and share, and pray how God can use this in your life. I am not perfect now and like every Christian we have struggles, things that challenge us daily. My hope is that you will read this not to judge me but to help bring you through your deepest secret that no knows to your road to redemption in Christ. I would love to hear your thoughts and comments or email me if you don’t want the comments made on the page at savinggrace28.com.
This is my road from an addict to abolitionist.

~Entry One~

Dear Grace,
disclaimer This is not for children to read without consent of an adult. This does have things that people might feel uncomfortable with for a young audience. Please remember in reading this that you may think my sin is worse than yours, but all sin is equal in the eyes of God. I am writing things that God lays on my heart to share because whether it is healing for me to write this or it helps someone else… here goes nothing.
You know the verse that say what is in the darkness will come to light?
{Numbers 32:23} Yup, we all do and I can guarantee you that we are all scared of the skeletons that might come out. So I am taking charge and bringing my past sins to light because you’re not alone. I am a sinner and so are you. God loves us. Forgives us. Redeem us. I am new because I choose to live my life for my maker and not myself. So here goes nothing.

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Here are my past “ I used to…”
I used to be a porn addict
I used to smoke
I used to do drugs
I used to feel alone
I used to use sex as a tool
I used to try to be perfect
I used to be lazy
I used to be dead in my sin
I used to be selfish
I used to run away from my problem
I used to be pretend to be a Christian

Here are my “I am’s….”
I am forgiven
I am made new
I am loved
I am accepted
I am saved by grace
I am drug free
I am alive
I am recovering
I am an abolitionist
I am defining my purpose
I am now a follower of Jesus

This is me in a nut shell. I used to live a life full of empty choices so that way I could feel truly loved. I tried to feel it with momentary choices that destroyed the way I thought about life, others, my family, myself, sex, and God. This didn’t happen overnight and wasn’t one night that went wrong. This was choice I made starting at 12 years old and I pray by sharing my story that this will save someone of going down the road I did. I was always in church but never truly understood how to have a relationship with Jesus and wasted years that I can’t get back. I am not perfect by any means and I am constantly reminded that I am a work in progress. God reveals things to me sometimes daily that I need to forgive myself for the choices I have made so I can love others more. This is something even as I type this it bring tears to my eyes that people might not look at me the same after knowing some of the things I will reveal. That’s okay because even in the past when I had many friends I never felt more alone and the only one true person that has given me a purpose is Jesus. If some of the things I listed above you could relate to and haven’t told anyone you are not alone. Many women in the church community don’t talk about these subjects. I am here to tell you are normal but God can heal you and make you brand new. Like any addiction it is not an easy road but neither is following Jesus. The rewards in heaven are what make this life all worth it. If you need prayer or healing know that Jesus can walk you and guide you through this. My daily devotion that I have used for two years is Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. It amazes me how every day is just what I need and every verse helps me get through the day.
Thank you to the people in my life who have been such a support system through this. There is nothing like a group of women who will pray for you and love you through your darkest times. I want these diary entries to be something that you can know as a Christian woman who has struggled with pornography you are not alone. You might feel ashamed talking about it. {I will touch on this more later} I was never taught about sex so I needed something to learn from and it was that little window I opened to sin that became a door to addiction. I am living proof you can be healed from it. Jesus and I love you and you are worthy. You don’t have to walk this life feeling alone or broken. Call on Jesus and pray scripture and you will find peace. I will leave you with a few verses that help me on a daily basis.

Psalm 27
Of David.
1 The LORD is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?
2 When the wicked advance against me
to devour[a] me,
it is my enemies and my foes
who will stumble and fall.
3 Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then I will be confident.
4 One thing I ask from the LORD,
this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze on the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
5 For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent
and set me high upon a rock.

Ephesians 2:8-9
8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—

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